moments

Found something from the book i've been reading. It states that you need to trust, bow and let God lead. I've tossed and turned over some past issues because I can see that it is affecting my course of life. And just thinking about it gets me real worried and angry. At times like this, I just have to count my blessings , truly forgive others and myself, and let go. It happened and I can't do anything about it. Sometimes, things happen and you have no control over it, no matter how hard you try to guide it. Somtimes, I wonder if a prayer is more intended as a coping mechanism, and not as a way to get what you want. In hope, you wish it will be granted, but the more I pray the, more I realize that it is truly a way to recieve what is right in God's eyes rather than what you want. Such a hard principle to understand and accept.
Most of the calls I've received were not what I wanted, and it's causing such a heartache. ( I should have put an objective!) Plus they are far in LI or in the Bronx. The salary is not what I expected too. These factors are turning my heart inside out and I'm literally disappointed and tearful. In disappointment, I have to figure out, what are my intentions ; is it money, learning experience and interest. Am I being too picky, or not agressive with my search? I want to take continuing edu courses but they are way too costly. Today, I had to let go of couple of interviews. In moments of doubts and fear I don't know if I made the right choice. But I believe that with no interest, the faster you'll emotionally burnout and not care about your patients. God, I hope you have some plans for me. I feel like I'm in the bottom of the pits, and so vulnerable.