10-8-11

Things- events are changing so quickly these days, that your emotions need to catch up to them. Once a routine, seems new and i feel lost in it at times. Unfocused and mind wandering seems to be what I'm experiencing, and I'm realizing I can't do this at work.

Looking at the photos of my dad, and him smiling, I can't believe that THIS is reality. It all seems like a dream, like it never happened, not wanting to ever happen. It all seems so weird. I sometimes feel that I will see him in a couple of months, but based on experiences and events in funeral, I know it's not logically possible. He passed away so suddenly, and I feel like I never got to say a real goodbye, or tell him I'm sorry.

Sometimes, I feel i'm responsible for what happened to him. I could have helped with the MD appointments, educated him about his health, cooked healthy food for him, invited and welcomed him in my home. Also with family outings, I could have thought of him. In the past 6 months, I have forgotten about him, happy and burden free- living my life, as if he didn't exist. Now, that he is really gone, the loss is really a shock, and realization of my cruelty and insensitivity to my father, which could have jeopardized his health.

Everything now seems all too much to bear. My job seems like a weighted burden, and I am not happy to do some paperwork. I wish I could take a one month vacation from my job. That sounds so good now..