murderball

Coming to a theater near you!
Havent' seen murderball but it seem so inspiring! I was blown away when I saw the preview.

Thoughts on the subway

Today was the first day of my one week vacation since my two weeks of work. I went to my dentist today, and left with an empty feeling. Yes, it became apparent to me that I had some sort of a crush on this guy. And despite the one year of treatment and not knowing who this guy is (at all) I still had some attraction. (yuck).
As I left the hospital for the last time I felt really lonely. On my way back home I struggled with this feeling. Is this feeling of emptiness a cry to reacquaint with God? Just as I should prepare for a husband, the more important it is to prepare for Christ's return. As I thought more about God, and my life, I realized that I should begin living in Christ instead of being dead in Him.
So now that I thought about God, my feelings about this guy lessened. I think I am in love of falling in love, rather than a man of potential. The ideal is there but it is so unrealistic . I would never know if that guy ever had any attraction. If he didn't I wouldn't have picked it up because I was in lala land. I prayed to God in the subway to give me the patience to wait and fill the void. I felt some reassurance after. Thank God for that.
*** edit***
Today I woke up with a heartache. To quickly reassure myself i got out of bed and thought about the conversation I had with a friend last night. She is sort of in the same situation as I am, except I'm probably at the extreme. God will provide. Yes I heard it so many times before, but she said it with belief that I started to believe it too.

My experience at Billy Graham crusade

Yep, I finally went to the crusade that everyone was talking about, and why not. The event held just across from my residence, and was a history in the making. I wish I had a digital camera to capture the moment, but unfortunately I don't have one. So I'll try my best through words.
It was a huge and HOT HOT event. People from all over new york came. Some I assume were tourists who attended just for the crusade. It was quite an amazing sight to see hispanics, whites, asian, blacks, etc singing and coexisting in the same place, and listening/waiting for Billy Graham to speak. I thought to myself is this what heaven would be like... To sit next to a neighbor who loves God, and who had stuggled with the christian life as much as I did? It was humble feeling and a lesson on not to judge a person by first physical apperance.
There were of course the counselors who are present incase someone decides to accept christ or is in of a prayer. I tried not to get swept away from high spirtuality- the singing with hands in the air and the halleluah cries. I didn't want that emotion to ignite the feeling of the present only to disapper once the music is gone. I wanted to hear the lyrics and the meaning. I closed my eyes and let the words sink in. Sometimes, I teared because I miss God being in my life.
When Billy Graham approached the podium everyone stood up. This was the moment where every attendent was waiting 2 1/2 hours for. His sermon was simple, short and humorous. In the end, it was his kindness and humility that shown through. He told alot of stories that we can all remember and reflect on after the crusade. I can never forget what he said about changing yourself just by accepting christ, can you imagine being a better husband, a wife, a worker just because of your faith and acceptance of christ. What a power this christ has. And i've seen it in ppl's lives at first hand. So truly, this God is a power god. I watched a lot of ppl pass by. Some look like a gangsta with bandanas on, but were either christians or wanted to hear God's word. I saw south baptists who had such passion in singing loud to the Lord as much as I would have like to. I saw indians, and hispanics who probably lived around my neighborhood singing too. How I have misjudged them and the guilt I felt. All in all, it was a short but an unforgettable event. Helicopters and airplanes were flying by. Truly it was a history in the making because ppl have the curiousity and the yearing to know God more.

Balance

Well today was the first day of Billy Graham's crusade, and honestly from an objective and unfamiliar eye, it appeared scary. Looking at the internet pictures after a talk from a friend who spoke hestiation on attending his crusade,I came to some understanding of how it is actually scary to listen to something incomprehensible ( as of yet) because they are not ready. This brings a suggestion to not enforce the gospel but allow them to experience opportunities in accordance with God's time.
This brings me to Tom Cruise's story- the heated interview with Matt Lauer. Man, did he (Cruise) sound brainwashed! He sound more defensive than reasonable. No explanations, but accusations. As I sat in front of my computer watching Tom talk, I predicted his sales in movie tickets plummet, including his popularity. I believe Matt Lauer did a great job with the interview with non-bias questions and an opportunity for Tom to explain what Scientology is. Tom missed it and buried himself in a bigger hole with his one punch defense.
Well to get to the point of BALANCE, I said to myself today that with all the paperwork, patients and family education, I need to separate my work from social life. I need to emerge yourself with hobbies and social events to reboost the emotional energy to sustain through the work week. Or else I'm going to have another burnout.
My friends are very occupied with their boyfriends, family, children and church. As I arrived home from work today very disappointed because my plans changed (my friend decided she rather do something else)- I decided that I need to go out and see other ppl - perhaps actively search for a significant other. I even thought of dating internet sites. Yes, I have a very boring life. All work and no play make me a very dull person.

2nd week

well the days are going by and I ask myself if I am ready for the summer, and will I catch up to where I should be clinically. Picked up a child today who hasn't been complying to the splint protocol. I have the feeling the mother is not complying as well as her now 2nd PIP is starting to contract. THis is starting to scare me. So what should I do. THis is something not in the textbook, and I feel that I should contact the mother to inform any problem with the splint. I am thinking maybe I should look at my board book for some answers. :( sigh. I can tell the little girl is starting to tell the difference. she often pushes her fingers down into extension. ONe thing I learned about myself is to trust your instinct and learn from you mistakes.
My other child is a challenge too. He is so inattentive that he drools all over his shirt. Sweet kid though.

Work

It's been a emotional challenging week. The work place is realistic as it can be for any workplace, whether in a bank, coffee shop, mom-pop store, there is always a communication barrier and disagreement. The challenge is to find a way to deliver it without stepping on ppl's toes, advocate, manage a way to get your point across and collabrate for the sake of your client's rights and treatment.
From this week, what I learned is to learn from your mistakes and do your research thoroughly before you speak your mind. Sometimes you feel pressured to say seomthing as a representative bc you feel you need to take a intitiative, and you later realize that it was without a clear thought- Grr....I feel like an idiot for saying something. This is something to learn from..:(

Offically I have two more free days of freedom till work begins..and so far I think I have spent close to $150 in 5 days. I sometimes hate spending money when you have no salary. Hung out with my cousin. Compared to her I stand like an elephant carrying extra load of fat on my thighs, butt and stomach. Plus my skin sags like a loose window drape with red blemishes. (yuk)I feel so unpretty. I feel so negative today. And with work on the way, i'm feeling more down.
it's past 9pm, and I am wondering the lack of productivity and preparation for work. I have forgotten a lot and it worries me that I 'm starting in 2 days. Better study than worry right. uh..i need to stop moping. I;m displaying poor coping skills due to pressure of my job, and dissatisfied physical look.
uh, need to stop counting weakness in my head start counting the positives and blessings. Hmm, lets start:
Blessings:
1) God provided me with a diploma from graduate school.
2) Dad is in better health, has been accepted to school and is taking his academic courses.
3) Mom is busy but is relieved that I'm bringing in money
4) God has guided me through interviews and an offer to peds.
5) Dad reported that his marriage is doing better.
6) God helped me to pass my boards. This is a BIG ONE!
7) God granted me two dear friends from grad school
8) We still have enough money to buy food and pay rent and small luxuries.
9) God has allowed my dog has been with us for all these years.
10)God gave me comfort and strength to make a decision on my peds clinical

With some hardships, God made me a stronger person than the past. I think it's okay to be afraid of the future b.c it's humanistic. Knowing with God's help it can lessen so and provide the courage to face it b/c our good God knows the future. He will guide and provide strength, wisdom, perseverance and determination through unforseen and intended yet surprising hurdles. KNowing that he provided the way for me in the past, I know that He is do the same in the future.

batman begins

Well last night my cousin and I attend a screening of batman begins, which was past 2 hours. It was pretty intense since they blasted the volume in the theater. My heart was palpating real fast. Overall it was good..and considering it was free, it was even beter. It was definitely different from the other batman sequels.
After we went to an restaurant in the neighborhood. Everything on the menu was mucho expensive. My heart was palpating even faster as I was thinking how am I suppose to pay for the two of us. Thank goodness I had my trusty american express...which was in good credit. As we ate our expensive meals, I was calculating the amount of work hours equivalent to our meals. Time is is truly money. Then I started to think the money leftover after paying my student loans,..etc..etc..
Its like money flying out of the window..and lets not forget the taxes.
The weather in NYC is soo humid that I can't even think straight. I can't even prepare for my job which will start next week.

sunday afternoon

Okay my last entry was crude so I apologize for the anger. My anger has subsided and all is almost back to normal.
It looks like the Tony awards will air tonight. The two forerunners are:
spamalot and doubt . Both look pretty good. Never got a chance to see it, but when the money rolls in , I suppose I'll see this years winner.
Thinking of taking my family to the Water's Edge restuarant . Of course it will be my treat for the help I've received.
Watched the movie King Arthur last night. Clive Owen rocks! Both rugged looking and talented, he represents the definition of a man along with Viggo of the LOTR.
Mom just awoke from ther daily marathon of soap opera videos. She started watching around 10am. It's 4pm and she's done watching. She want to begin her day now. (rolling my eyes)....

I'm still a Puppy

Okay, I'm feeling it all over again. Why do I instantly develop puppy love on every attractive guy I meet. It's so annoying, and so naive! (sigh) This childish feeling obviously stems from the lack of encounter with the opposite gender and the yearning to find someone special. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of male friends, so a mutual match is unlikely to happen in the near future. So unless there is some sort of a divine intervention I may be single for a very long ..long time.
Being and feeling lonely is very heartwrenching, especially when everyone around you are either dating exclusively, married or engaged. At times I feel like the only single female in the world. I catch myself during a pleasant moment- like walking through Manhattan streets on a cool summer night- thinking wouldn't it be more wonderful if I walked alongside with someone special.
There are the usual alternatives- the internet, getting matched by your family (!!) But so much work into this. Why can it just happen? Should it take so much effort to find someone? My family suggested I meet men in church. Well, I had my share of thought on that, but reasoned that it shouldn't be my sole sunday objective.
All this talk about love leaves me feeling pathetic!!! Sometimes I get real mad about most men. They always want someone better, instilling fear and some expectation placed on women. Before I didn't want to get into any relationship because I thought I wasn't ready- spiritually, finanically,, emotionally mature enough. Over the years, I've add on more to the excuses. I wasn't pretty enough, tall, thin, clear skin enough! But I realized that you cannot rely on an image of pefection because it will never happen. I needed to look in the mirror and accept all of myself. So now that I have learn to accept and realized that not all men have high expectations I am left with the emptiness feeling, and yearning to spend myself- my joy and my time with someone. Ah.. pretty sad huh.
I can go on and on about this, but this entry is quite long..and may become meaningless and pointless. I leave with a feeling of some hope that it may come someday.

expectation on a woman

Just a random expression about husbands, a boyfriend ...the common man's expectation on women.

I)
This girlchild was born as usual
and presented dolls that did pee-pee and miniature GE stoves and irons and wee lipsticks the color of cherry candy. Then in the magic of puberty, a classmate said: You have a great big nose and fat legs. She was healthy, tested intelligent, possessed strong arms and back, abundant sexual drive and manual dexterity. She went to and fro apologizing. Everyone saw a fat nose on thick legs. She was advised to play coy, exhorted to come on hearty, exercise, diet, smile and wheedle. Her good nature wore out like a fan belt. So she cut off her nose and her legs and offered them up in a casket displayed on satin she lay with the undertaker's cosmetics painted on, a turned up putty nose, dressed in a pink and white nightie. Doesn't she look pretty? everyone said. Consummation at last. To every woman a happy ending. Marge Piercy 1969

II)
My husband gives me an A for last night's supper, an incomplete for my ironing, a B plus in bed. My son says I am average, and average mother, but if I put my mind to it I could improve. My daughter beleives in Pass/Fail and tells me I pass. Wait 'tll they learn I'm dropping out. - Linda Pastan 1978

Lunch

I had dim sum with a chinese "male" friend. When we entered, automatically ppl in the restaurant thought we were a couple. The elderly couple who shared the round table smiled at us with glee and admiration. I never said a word as the waiter/waitress came over to our table with the food carts. My friend ordered as I just sat there ignoring waitress' questions and grinning, trying to make it apparant that I didn't speak chinese. I took a glance at myself and my friend at a mirror against the wall. We look soo like the marrying age. I'm not insinuating that something is going on..but truthfully, we didn't look like young adults, more like adults who have settled down.
I asked him to order my favorite plates...shrimp summer rolls and shrimp dumplings. I stuffed myself, forgetting my feminine manners. Its been a while since I ate with a male friend...but it's all good. He has seen me eat like a pig during college.
My face cannot lie anymore. I am getting old. Teenagers call me mam' or lady. All this makes me wonder...when am I going to find a man? Since I'll be working with a community, not in a hospital, I may not have a chance to interact with males as most of them work in hospitals. Lately, my mom has been bugging me about my chances of working with a male doctor. Yeah I would like to know that too. But then I have to wonder and evaluate my intentions. Money isn't everything. Although its nice to live in comfort and luxury, it can't buy and secure love. Anyways, I realized that I need to stop goo- goo eyeing men in nice crisp white collar shirts or wondering how it would be like to marry a doctor or anyone in the medical/health profession.